Ah. Ethos. The bestest jokey beverage of the ’00s – and certainly the original (only?) prank bottled water. There are a million novelty soda pops out there, but it’s a genuine challenge to squeeze a viciously cruel ironic jest from a mere water bottle. And Ethos keeps at it. For a decade now! Bravo.

So… there was this Eska Water ad blitz in Canada last summer. Who would know, right? True enough. Anyway – I convinced a couple people to stop stocking the stuff. Uninteresting story.

But ^^^that absurd, insulting imagery distracted from the central plot point of the whole campaign – which was that the ‘purity’ of this sacred native water was being threatened by Joe Whiteguy (“Julien”, see here) mixing his orange juice into it. Okay now – WHO CUTS THEIR OJ WITH WATER?! Old ladies?! I’ve never heard of orange juice being so strong that it was necessary to water it down. Comically weak premise.

I bring this up not only because I like to remind companies that stupid ad campaigns are rarely (and should not be) forgotten, but because of this brutal irony: MANY native regions in Canada have unsafe drinking water. It’s a perennial problem. The reason? Perhaps because Eska Co. has lured away all the ancient Eskan warrior spirit-guards to work these regrettable TV commercials.

Informative interview with activist/commentator Clifton Nicholas (of Kanesatake) on this topic here:

[a. F. décanter, ad. med.L. dēcanthāre (alchemy), f. dē- down + canthus the angular beak or ‘lip’ of a cup or jug, a transferred use of Gr. κάνθος corner of the eye.]

“Decanter – a Bottle made of clear Flint-Glass for the holding of Wine, etc. to be pour’d off into a Drinking-Glass.” – [1715]

[Actual discussion about water HERE.]

Personally, I can see no reason to return to this model. I am grateful that we haven’t.
But what do I know?

Just another test here at No Deli Labs . Ugh. But by all means – if you can – click the video below. Chandler & Cain as brilliantly brought to life by Edward G. Only about a minute long.

The stagey, agonizingly conspicuous glass-of-water-setup here is terrific.

Galicjanka Woda was called to my attention for one reason only. Though I’m skeptical of the suggested ‘medicinal’ applications, I bought a couple of extra bottles anyway – for a rainy day.

Also, no teapots.

The once-novel, now-ubiquitous Fiji Water is bad enough – having pioneered a stupid, inconvenient, rectangular bottle shape the likes of which will not fit into conventional cup holders, coasters, carriers, etc.

Now introducing more stupider:

“Aquadeco”. Yeah.

“Aquadeco”. “Aquadeco”.

Originally, this artesian water came from Mt. Ararat… but the quality wasn’t up to par (according to fairly lax FDA importation standards) so now they fill these ridiculous bottles from a pristine spigot in exotic Southern Ontario.

Though it’s annoying to discuss the blindingly obvious – I guess we’re already on the subject: The environmental ruination caused by the “bottled water boom” of this past decade is really near-incalculable, and the fact that this particularly stupid water travels a little less far than it might’ve still doesn’t apologize for its profound negative impact.

And certainly nothing can apologize for the ‘novelty’ concept and its crowbarred-in name.

“Aquadeco”.

Relatedly – I made the mistake of calling soda pop ‘soda’ the other day. I was corrected: “Greeks only say ‘soda’ to mean ‘club soda’.“. Then Adonis hands me a Tuborg Club Soda. Like a commercial.

Tuborg is just about the only soda water I see around town now. Just like Amstel is the dominant beer, Red Bull is the dominant energy drink, and PepsiCo.-ηβη owns everything else. So to speak.

You really have to comb the shops in order to find third-tier (i.e. local) brands such as ξυνο νερο… which is bottled in the mountain village of the same name. I used to think this stuff was fluoridated, but it turns out that it’s just produced in the province of Φλώρινας (Florinas). Haha. Fooled by Greek roots again.

N.B. – The village has an Angelfire fansite!

Courtyard of the National Library of the Autonomous Republic of Adjara, Batumi.

Russia’s politically-motivated wine and water embargoes aside, Borjomi’s reputation – even at home – is suffering.

Criminals!

‘Word on the street’ has it that the vast majority of domestic Borjomi is fake. That’s right: counterfeit water; people are talking numbers like 75% of product on store shelves. True or false, this is a serious and ongoing PR problem for Georgia’s most famous sparkling product.

In swoops Nabeghlavi with its cool yellow label, increasing market share, and remarkable “brand awareness” – but it’ll cost you a few more tetri per bottle. Naturally.

Meanwhile, no one ever talks about Cocotauri…

Those readers who care not for the economics of mineral water may find solace in singing policemen:

Dr. Brown gets a mention.

MAILBAG:

I really appreciate some of the random email I get re: this LJ.
For example, someone wants me to try this alleged aphrodisiac, called “FEVER”.

…But I think I can live without it.

—

Thanks to lola_joan for pointing out this… uh… atrocity:

The first wine (or maybe “wine”) with a well-known cartoon mascot and affiliated with a theme park.
Or so I’m guessing.

—

Someone else emailed me, saying that they were trying to score me some Bionade:

I’ve never heard of the stuff – but it sounds interesting. An all-organic, Euro concoction of some kind – responsible for these notable illusional adverts:

Who doesn’t get thirsty looking at that?

—

Out front of a store such as this was the iconic ice machine.
Just like this one – but upright. And plugged in.

Since general stores have not been replaced, and a reasonable demand for ice remains, free-standing ice vending machines have appeared…

I was cruising up the road, blasting the radio when this classic number came on:

- a song that could almost be the current anthem of the southern part of the state; all about getting out of Louisiana.

Alas, my all-American cup holder will not be graced by some bizarre creme soda from Houma or a ginger ale from Metairie but, rather, a plain cup of ice. All those grimy little stores full of special drinks were just blown away.

[as usual, photos by me - taken yesterday]

Speaking of ‘nothing to say’, I have absolutely nothing good to say about this:

…Especially since it’s the first goddamn thing I see along one of my favorite stretches of U.S. highway, ol’ Route 90. I notice they don’t offer those sickeningly unsanitary coffee/cocoa/chicken soup vending machines at the rest stops anymore. Too bad. I guess the ‘tastes’ of Louisiana changed while I wasn’t paying attention.

This assemblage of “old boozers” is sampled from a much larger and very impressive collection of photos, courtesy of Slava Meskhi. Thanks for loaning them!

Which reminds me…

{…That just brings me seamlessly to some of his shots from the Martkopi Orphanage. At one time this local NGO (called “Stages”) was working with the orphanage, but despite their website still being active, I can’t seem to reach anyone there. They may be out-of-business*.

I recently found the same situation with some vegetarian/animal rights activists in Tbilisi: A really good cause that I’d like to support somehow – but, alas, no one ever answers when you ring the bell.}

So with that helpless and tangential sentiment in mind… er.. enjoy the pics!

.
.
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* Addendum: I just got this email !!!

“
Hi,

Nana
“

So if you are at all interested in helping, see this link (Note: Paypal doesn’t cooperate w/ Georgia) or write to: stagesngo [at-sign] hotmail [point] com.

[Do not click on the world's deepest canyon if your connection is slow.]

I didn’t import everything that I saw. Only the good ones. Here’s some of more boring/bad drinks I tried:

Stoney Ginger Beer. Made by Coca~Cola South Africa, it’s surprising to find that this stuff is actually HOT. Certainly one of the ugliest cans around, though:

Full Throttle Energy Drink. Another Coke product. 473ml/141mg caffeine. Worth it?

7up PLUS Mixed Berry. Frankendrink with added juice (5%) added calcium (10% RDA) and added vitamin C (10% RDA). Also added Splenda® and added Sunett® (who the fuck ever heard of Sunett®?!?) sweeteners. Do they care if no one drinks this? Certainly this is the worst soda spin-off idea yet. Really terrible.

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper W T F? Why?

Limca. Mysterious Limca. Ginger? Citrus? Nutmeg? Who knows?! Indians & Pakistanis think twice before repatriating when they learn that Limca is hard to get in the New World.

Dasani (water) With Lemon. Very rarely do I stumble upon something so completely undrinkable. Possibly one of the worst bottled beverages ever produced. Did they not test this stuff on real people at all? Sucralose nightmare! Sweetened water plus citric acid! Ack.

Hmm… All it tastes like is water and why would you add oxygen to something that already has it?

Hanna E.

I demand sponsorships.

Someone around here went all ape-shit with the garlic powder on their popcorn – which sounds really tasty, until you realize that the powder was flying all around the kitchen and finally settled in the glassware.

Later, I pour myself a refreshing glass of water, and I am the recipient of a very subtle and disgusting surprise:
garlic water.